So Near, yet so far...

Chinese New Year!!!!

2007-02-11T06:36:00.000-08:00

Today, I went out with my parents to Chinatown to buy stuff for this coming Chinese New Year. As usual, the whole place is packed with people. So much so I think if each and everyone of these people were to spit their saliva on me, I think I would have drowned there! hehe... I know... Gross lor... :P This is also the very reason why I used to hate going there during Chinese New Year. However, as I grow older, this feeling seems to have diminished. In fact I enjoy going there now. And why is that so? This is because I think I will get to feel this Chinese New Year atmosphere only when I go there. Otherwise, it will only seem to be another holiday to me, that's all. Nothing more. Of course, Ang Bao is another aspect that makes Chinese New Year so special. But to me, it is not so significant cos I don't really collect as much Ang Bao nowadays. :P

Nevertheless, with the arrival of this new year, I hope it will be a good start for me. I don't ask for much. I just need better luck that's all. Hope that whoever up there right now who may be reading my blog (I hope the people upstar is also quite advance... :P) is able to grant me this small little wish... Of course, I also wish likewise to my family and all my friends out there. :).

Time flies...

2007-02-05T06:19:00.000-08:00

At a blink of an eye, 14 years has passed.... The girl I was so infatuated with during then, had already been married for almost a year and has recently given birth to a cute daughter. Her daughter will be a month old in the coming Sunday.

Looking at the ever loving couple and the happiness they shared with their newborn, I can't help but feel happy for her. I used to ponder why she did not choose to be with me then. Now I finally know why. It is because there is someone out there who is better and deserves her much more than I do. I really wonder whether she will be as happy if she so ended up with me. Then again, perhaps not...

Nevertheless, taking this couple as live example, it has once again shown that there is true love existing in this realistic world. Whether we are able to meet our true destiny, it is up to fate to see what it has in store for us...

Getting used ...

2007-01-29T05:59:00.000-08:00

Earth continues to revolve around the Sun regardless of anything. Whether we like it or not, it doesn't care. It has only one main purpose; to complete its full revolution around the Sun within 365.25 days and continue to do so until the very day Sun dies...

As each day turns to week and weeks to month, my feelings have grown numb. So much so that I sometimes really wonder whether I have any feeling left. As much as I would love to be in love and to care for someone, it seems that this vision, this very need, is gradually distancing itself away from me. With hectic work keeping myself busy, my life has become monotonus...

Perhaps I am slowly evolving. Evolving to become a planet like Earth. With only one duty in mind, and that is to continue to live my life till the day I cease to exist...

Ignorance, a bliss?

2007-01-24T06:08:00.000-08:00

As one gradually matures, besides experiencing physical changes, another aspect that one usually faces is psychological change. Unlike when you are young where you have much lesser issues to worry about. As you grow older, you will think more. Problems relating to career, family, relationship and financial becomes part and parcel of your life....

Have I grown accustomed to all these? I'm afraid not... How I wish I can just live my life as a child again, forgetting everything else.... Pure ignorance... How bad can that be? Nothing can be as perfect as not knowing anything at all isn't it?

Looking back, I ask myself once again. Is it possible to feign ignorance??? The answer is a definite No No... I have to be strong because I know my family needs me. I can fail everything but I can't fail myself. Nor can I fail my parents and those who have always believed in me...

As much as I want to forget you... I just can't.... Perhaps I never will.... Maybe time will bury you deep in my heart, staying with me forever....

Is it over?

2007-01-17T06:28:00.000-08:00

Finally, my busy days are coming to an end soon. At least for the time being... Guess I need to take a break after all these are over...

Lost my voice last week due to a bad sore throat. Think all my colleagues and subordinates are used to me losing voice liao... hehe... Besides my sore throat, I am still having some cough.. Not as bad as the one I had over a year ago.... Heng ah.... :P

Sometimes wonder what I really want in life... What is it in life that is worthy for me to fight for? Who are the ones whom are truly important to me? Where do I want to go? Seems like I am getting disillusioned... Whatever it is, I just have to move on. For I know, only by moving forward, I will be able to see clearly what is lying ahead of me.... Of course, I need some torch lights too... hehe... opps... See lots of crows flying ahead of me :P

So tired...

2007-01-10T06:30:00.000-08:00

I am going through a super ultra rough patch recently. Have so much work to do, yet so little time to complete them. Almost had to work OT everyday till 8-9pm in the evening. So much so that I even came back on Sat to do some work! But I guess it is a good thing. At least it makes me forget about other things... I hope the hard work I have put in my work so far, will show me some positive results.

Sometimes I believe God is fair in a way. Since I am not doing well in my love affairs, at least I must do well in my work lor... hmmm... Must go down Si Ma Lu this week to pray pray... hehe :P Guess what? I used to think that I am superman but I was wrong... I realised I'm also fragile and vulnerable like all others. The hard work I have put in my work has taken its toll on me. My body seems to have reached its threshold. Seems like I am falling sick again... haizz... This is definitely not the most appropriate time for me to get sick... Regardless, I have been pushing myself to work despite my condition.

Like what others say, if it doesn't kill me, it will make me stronger. I know I can do it and I will, do it. :)

Trapped in a world of my own...

2007-01-03T06:37:00.000-08:00

I am living in a world full of constraints. As much as I would love to do things that I really enjoy doing, somehow, I can never seemed to do so. Perhaps it is because I care too much about others...

I yearned to be with my loved one; taking care of her and loving her... Unfortunatley, God seems to enjoy making fun of me. Always finding the right opportunity to deprive me of love. The most unfortunate of all, I am dysfunctional when it comes to love. I don't know how to love someone. I don't know how to approach someone in the most appropriate way. I don't even know how to make her happy and be contented for being her as well as my only loved and cherished one. Perhaps, I am meant to be alone for the rest of my life...

Despite all these, I am determined to overcome them. I want to believe in myself. I want to prove to God that he may be omnipotent, but I am in control of my own life. I believe one day, i will no longer be trapped in this lonely world of mine. I am not sure how am I going to do this, but I will make it happen!!!

2007 Hi, 2006 bye

2007-01-01T05:45:00.000-08:00

Time has come for all of us to say goodbye to the Year 2006. The departure of 2006 marks the beginning of another brand new year; 2007.

Many things had happened to me for the past year. Be it good, bad or ugly, I am glad to say that at least I made it through. I have always believe that I am a strong person. No matter how difficult it is for me, I will make it through eventually.

Went out with my friends yesterday for countdown at One Fullerton. Nearly missed the fireworks as we were standing at a wrong location. Fortunately we managed to see the rest of it after relocating ourselves to a better location. There are so many pple over there. Some already started sitting down in the middle of the road, as early as 9pm, waiting for the fireworks to come at 12am. But I suppose beautiful things are worthed the wait ba...

In the midst of waiting for the fireworks to captivate our eyes, there are lots of pple messaging me wishing me a happy new year. Even my boss did so.. I was like so surprised... Howeer, I was disappointed as "she" did not reply my message... I don't know what happened... Perhaps, she is also enjoying with her friends.. Perhaps she already found someone she really likes... Or perhaps i have already ceased to exist in her heart... Regardless, I just hope that she will be happy. Nothing else matter ba.... Nothing....

Merry Christmas!!!

2006-12-25T01:17:00.000-08:00

Spent my Christmas at my good friend's house yesterday. Had BBQ and steamboat over there. Drank some rice wine with my friend's relatives too. Boy... They can really drink lor... A few of my friends drank till they konk out... Heng I got some trainings before. Or else I will definitely end up like them lor. :P

I am really glad to have this group of friends. They have given me lots of support and have been through alot with me for the past few years. Without them, can't really imagine what will happen to me. I think it is fate that brought us altogether and I shall do whatever it takes to keep this bond strong.

Although I am unable to spend this christmas with the person I love so deeply, at least I have this group of friends to keep my company. I suppose life is like a balance; You win some, you lose some. I can never have the best of both worlds ba. But I really wish I have this power to do it. Even if it means to take 10 years of my life in exchange for that, I am most willing to do that. If only I could....

Looking back...

2006-12-20T05:45:00.000-08:00

Looking back on the things I have done the past few years, I would say I have gained quite abit of experience in both my work and personal life... I suppose life is all about learning. After all, you will never stop learning till the day you finally cease to exist.

Yet, I am still not satisfied with the experiences I have gained till date. I know there are still lots of things for me to learn in my work. I want to be the best. I want to tell everyone that I belong to the cream of the crop. More importantly, I don't intend to let those pple, who have always believed in me, to ever be disappointed.

As for my personal life, I am gradually understanding what are the real facts of life. The good, the bad and the ugly. However, I believe what there are alot more things I have yet to encounter or experienced.

I want to live a life with no regret. I want my life full of peaks and troughs. I want and I know I will be better than I was yesterday. I know my life is not just this and there must be something more to it. Just because of all these, I will not succumb to any failures or obstacles that lie ahead of me. For, I know I am destined to succeed...

What is love???

2006-12-16T19:06:00.000-08:00

This title may seemed alittle cliche... But I really wonder if there is anyone who can provide the best answer to it... Others may describe it as a form of affection to another individual while the scientists may just explain it as a chain of chemical reactions that takes place in your body. Whatever the answer may be, the fact is, it is indispensable to every single one of us out there. So much so that it seems like a shadow; following us wherever we go.

All I know is, this unique feeling aka LOVE has brought me both fond and sad memories. In the past, I have always thought Love only brings happiness. However, I came to realise that it is only naive for me to think that way. Love has always come in a package whether you like it or not. And the only way to sustain Love is to compromise. It may sound easy but its not. It needs patience and selfless thoughts.

Is it too late for me to realise this? I can't answer this question. Only "she" can answer it. I don't know whether "you" have ever read my blog. I just want "you" to know that my love for you has never stopped. I am still waiting... Waiting for you... Right here... Now and forever...

Lost my handphone le... Sianz...

2006-12-16T18:58:00.000-08:00

Went to clubbing with my good friends yesterday. Chiong till HP lost... I think I was a little drunk. Drank like 7 jugs of vodka mixtyres and 2 glasses of Johnnie walker black label... Only realised that I lost my Hp when I was about to reach home.

Actually I was not sad over the loss. I am more worried that the guy who took my Hp will call up my friends. Hope he is not so immoral...

Happy hour??? Happy meh???

2006-12-14T06:34:00.000-08:00

Just went to my unit's Happy Hour today.... Besides boozing, there's quite a good spread of food for all to enjoy.

Happy hour is supposed to be a good time to mingle with your superiors as well as fellow colleagues. However, for me, I don't find happy hour particularly enjoying. Perhaps it is because I hold an appointment in the Committee and hence, have to help out in the preparation prior to the whenever there is a event going on. Which is why I always tell my friends " Today happy hour leh! Very happy meh? Yeah right...." :(

Nevertheless, I feel that whether a happy hour is really happy to each individual, is relative. Others might find it enjoying. But for anit-socials such as me, sorry... As much as I would love to enjoy myself and be happy, just don't really find it happy to start with.

Managing stress

2006-12-13T05:58:00.000-08:00

Working life has never been easy for me... There are 1001 tasks for me to do and yet pple don't understand why I seemed so busy. Well I suppose it doesn't matter what they think... As long as I am true to myself, knowing I am doing something productive and more importantly, my boss acknowledge it, I guess this is all that matters. The rest is secondary.

Think I should not complain so much cos nowadays every single one of us who are working out there, are expected to multi-task. Gone were the days where you were only given a particular work scope to perform. Now you are expected to work like Window XP professional.... Wah biangz... my biological CPU and RAM where got so high?????

However, I am proud to say that the other side of me welcomes such challenges. To me, there is no satisfaction as great as completing all tasks "arrowed" to you earlier on. Though your competence and efficiency will get its well-deserved recognition, it only means the arrows directed to you gets geometrically more and more and more and more lor! :P

Nevertheless, my personal problems did worsened the whole situation to a whole new level... Not only I have my work to be constantly worried abt, I have my relationship problem to think of... Sometimes I just hope I will lose my memory. Then again, I want to tell myself that I am strong, I will not fall so easily. I just have to believe that things will eventually turn for the better as time progresses...

Lonliness at its worse

2006-12-08T19:50:00.000-08:00

Used to think that I do not need anyone by my side to accompany me.. Thought I was those cool loner who is able to live with oneself for the rest of his life...

I was wrong, so wrong that I realised I am just as normal as any Tom, Dick or Harry you find in the streets... I need someone. Someone who can share my happiness and sadness together. Someone who can light up my life in my darkest moment. Someone I know I would love to meet during my free time. Someone who can stand my idiotic crappy jokes, .. etc More importantly, someone I truly love and care about...

The scariest thing about lonliness is that the feeling gets incrementally intense as age catches up with you... This is escpecially so when say you are walking down the streets, you see couples displaying affections to their partners, and there you are, walking along the streets alone... I tell you, the feeling sucks like hell...

However, I have to say that finding a partner is not just about defeating lonliness... It is about love. You don't love for the sake of loving. You love because you really truly love... To sum it up, I hope those guys out there who have already found your true love; Don't let it go so easily... It is not easy to find someone you really love. It is even more so to find a mutual love...

As for me, I will just have to follow 'your' advise... I will wait patiently, positively and to keep an open mind... Though I know deep down in my heart, I know I will wait...

Intro abt me, myself and Kaiwen...

2006-12-07T07:10:00.000-08:00

Hi! This is Kaiwen... I am 25 this year. A civil servant. Just an average guy that you will see in the streets.

After being subjected to severe stress and pressure from my work, I realised that it is time to find some form of outlet to vent my unhappiness...

Besides work comes relationship, I am a failure in relationship. A complete failure... I don't know how the opposite sex thinks. So much so that I am beginning to wonder whether girls are really from venus and us from Mars... Then again, being pretty well-versed in Astronomy, I know the answer very well.. How can they be from Venus leh???? Venus so much poisonous gas... :P Just maybe they are from another galaxy.... Aiyah... Whatever it is, I think girls are complex living organism... So complex that even the most sophiscated computer can't calculate what they are thinking... Perhaps it is not the girls' fault... It is my fault... I am dyfunctional... I am a obselete model waiting to be condemned... Don't even know whether the scrap yeard wants me or not???

I think I need a break... I need to build my confidence in woman again... I need time to reflect on myself too... Besides, I am waiting for someone... I hope she knows I am waiting for her... Whatever it is, I will just let nature takes its course... Hoping that someone up there id doing some form of planning for me...